11. Phantom Horse

INTERVIEWER

Today in the studio we welcome Geoffrey, the phantom horse, formally know as 'Big Geoff'. Geoffrey resides in Brighton, East Sussex. He has been knocking around the city farms being a bit phantom and shit for the last 15 years, following his untimely and tragic death in a gang fight. As one of the most feared horse gangsters in East Sussex he still likes to keep a tight rein on proceedings despite being 100% transparent. He still commands great respect from the local farmyard posse, and still kicks back with his home crew. Like any self respecting invisible entity he initially took the opportunity to engage in covert voyeurism, perving over lady horses in their stables. He firmly states that he is a reformed character, and has been married to a fellow phantom horse, Jane, who we've never seen. 

INTERVIEWER

Hi Geoff, thank you so much for coming today! How are you?

GEOFFREY

Geoffrey

INTERVIEWER

Oh - shit, sorry Geoffrey.

GEOFFREY

No actually, call me Sir.

INTERVIEWER

SIR!?!!?

GEOFFREY

Yes, Sir Geoffrey Bottywinkle II

INTERVIEWER

(nervously)

Er... ok.. Sir Geof-

GEOFFREY

Just messing kid! ha ha your face! What a picture!! 

Oh classic!

GEOFFREY WIPES A TEAR FROM HIS FACE

HA HA HA! Go on kid, fire away

INTERVIEWER

So.. what's it like being a ghost?

GEOFFREY

It's sound bruv! Cheap food bills, I can walk through walls, free entry to clubs, I don't have to pay to use the spa and I hear every conversation! I still run shit in this town - Gangster number one - that's me!

INTERVIEWER

I see, er.. if you don't mind me asking, how come you can speak such perfect English as a horse. Did you go to language school?

GEOFFREY

Well my parents moved over here from France in the 1960's, and French wasn't much use round London I can tell ya! So I guess I just picked it up when I was hanging around with the Krays!

INTERVIEWER

You knew the Krays!? Wow what a story.

GEOFFREY

I'm afraid not.

INTERVIEWER

What? What are you on about?

GEOFFREY

Well, this is hard for me to say....

INTERVIEWER

Go on...

GEOFFREY

Well, the thing is Dave....

INTERVIEWER

Dave?

GEOFFREY

Yes that's your name.

INTERVIEWER

No it's not.

GEOFFREY

It is. As I was saying Dave, you might not remember taking a heroic dose of magic mushrooms 2 hours ago, but I should point out that you're sat on a sofa interviewing an invisible gangster horse.

INTERVIEWER

Oh right, can you make me a cheese sandwich then?