30. Football night

Rival football firms arrange to settle the score in a showdown after a local Derby match, but it soon becomes apparent that things aren't going according to plan, with the hooligans getting more than they bargained for from a third party.

29. Affair.

A beautiful young woman meets an attractive man in a bar seemingly randomly. He seduces her, she falls in love with him and he proposes. He leaves her at the altar, leaving her heartbroken. However, everything is not as it seems, as the story then goes back in time.

28. The Road Sweeper

A highly successful Oxford graduate leaves a career in medicine to become a road sweeper, much to everyone's bewilderment.

27. Hike

A casual Sunday afternoon hike in a sleepy village for a 19 year old man suddenly becomes rather bizarre as he meets the 82 year old version of himself. As he asks his older self questions, the strange answers prompt many more questions.

26. Makeover

A shy, withdrawn and frustrated lady in her 30's receives a fantastic makeover and her life drastically changes. She becomes more confident, more assertive, feels more attractive and, as a result, more sociable. She meets a man, gets a new job and feels more content. A study of the power of positive thinking.

25. A few lessons in music

I started playing guitar when I was 15 on a cheap clunky acoustic guitar. I started lessons with a gentleman called Kev, who had a great reputation. I just wanted to learn a few chords and write a few songs, as I had just started listening to John Lennon. Kev was a world class player, stand-up guy and would subsequently become an inspiration and mentor to me in other things apart from music. He was a master of the guitar, and could play literally any piece of music.

As most guitarists and musicians will tell you, music theory and sight reading can be daunting, perplexing and painfully dull at times. This technical language can appear to be firmly divorced from the organic creativity, self expression and 'jamming' that brings joy to many people. It's the reason they start playing in the first place. In order to be a good musician, however, some theory knowledge is essential and as a friend of mine said -

"In order to be a good guitarist you have to be a bit of a geek, but we try to hide it"! 

But it was Kev who demystified music and broke it down into its simplest form.

He simply said, "There are just twelve notes in music, it's just how you play them and when you play them".

He encouraged improvisation rather than blind adherence to modes, scales and technical virtuosity. He taught me the blues. He taught me to jam. He gave me the tools to play from my heart and express my feelings through wood and steel.  

24. Rough - another true story

The mid morning sunlight poured through the window into the luxury bedroom. I opened my eyes and sat up in bed, feeling numb and disorientated. I realised I wasn't still drunk, I was still wasted. A crippling, paint-stripping hangover was in the post. I looked around the room.

"Where am I?" I muttered to myself.

I looked down and to my horror I saw blood all over the bed sheets, the bed and the floor. So much blood it had soaked through the mattress. I sat there in shock for five minutes, unable to digest the information. What on earth had happened here? My memory was hazy as I tried to piece together the preceding hours.

I was in a luxury chalet in small village called Argentière in France. The chalet I had been working on for two summer months with a stone mason, building a wall outside. Upon completion of the wall we had decided to have a party, and as my friend and I had played a gig in the local bar, we invited half the village back to the chalet. It was big, with seven bedrooms, a swimming pool and a hot tub. I remembered the start of the night... but what happened after? I looked down and quickly realised where the blood had come from - my foot. My poor foot had several large chunks of glass in it and I had been so drunk I didn't notice. I had literally been bleeding for hours.

I hobbled out of the bedroom to see who was around, still bleeding slightly on the carpet as I moved. I walked into the nearest bedroom and saw my friend Robin and a girl.

"Robin, what happened to my foot mate?" I croaked.

"Oh shit!! I've no idea! There's blood everywhere!" replied a surprised Robin.

"You should see the bed!"

After ten minutes of investigation it became quickly apparent that due to the general level of drunkenness, a number of bottles had been smashed on the decking near the hot tub. Another girl had unfortunately suffered the same fate as me and we were quickly advised to go to the local doctor’s surgery. A friend drove us there with only 20 minutes to spare before it shut, while other party casualties kindly helped to clean the blood stained mattress.

Now, being young, drunk and English in a small French village is not an enviable position to be in at the best of times. Going to see a doctor who you quite possibly kept awake the night before with your insidious noise pollution is also not a pleasant experience. Going to see this doctor when he is about to shut, without your European Health insurance card and being told you need several stitches in your toes is quite simply divine. For reasons I cannot recall, apart from his obvious sadistic tendencies, he administered the stitches without local anaesthetic and charged me 100 Euros for the privilege.

When people say "I feel rough" after drinking I empathise and understand on the deepest possible level.

23. Rock concert

The following is an example of a typical (if not slightly exaggerated) conversation I used to have with my band mates in my gigging days:

The band rush into the crowded bar at 9.50pm on a busy Saturday night. The patrons are loud, drunk and obnoxious. The band mates go to the stage area and start to set up the equipment.

MATT

Rich, I'm not being funny mate, but you know we start at 10 on Saturdays, Hazel doesn't like it when we start late! How are we going to do a sound check in 10 minutes?

RICH

Well Sarah cooked fondue, and Tony and Beki came round for tea...

ROBIN

Oh fuck, I can't find my drum key again.

MATT

Oh brilliant

ROBIN

Oh hold on, I left it in the car, back in a minute.

MATT

Come on guys, let’s crack on

RICH sets his keyboard up and connects it up to the speakers.

RICH

Can you just do a level check on the keys mate?

MATT

Yeah, play something.

MATT walks in front of the stage listening to the various speakers around the bar.

MATT (cont)

I can't hear anything!!

RICH

Nothing?

MATT

Yeah nothing! Can you hear anything through the monitor?

RICH

Oh shit, I left the monitor in the other bar last night! I'll have to drive and get it

MATT

Well we need to sort the speakers out before we do that.

RICH

Well the cable must be broken

MATT

Just use your spare..

RICH

I'm not sure where it is, I lent it to Dave the other week. Oh - do you have any batteries for my guitar; it's been cutting out a bit....

MATT

Yeah - in my case. And there's spare speaker cable too.

RICH

Cheers.

RICH sets up all of his gear and checks the levels. ROBIN comes back in.

MATT

Mate, Rich needs the car keys so he can go and pick up the monitor from Charlie’s.

ROBIN

Ah ok, I've had to park it up the road so it's a bit of a walk.

RICH

No worries.

RICH runs out and returns 10 minutes later with the monitor. The band starts to play. MATT's guitar cuts out in the middle of the first guitar solo.

MATT

Oh shit!

MATT looks for his spare cable but can't see it.

MATT (cont)

RICH have you seen my spare jack lead?

RICH

No idea mate

MATT

I need a drink!

22. Home

A home should be a haven,

no hustle or bustle in here.

No calls, no noise, no fools with toys

no morons smashed on beer.

The door to the world is firmly shut,

as the traffic hums in the distance.

Now I’ll sit and think and laugh and drink

And contemplate this existence.

I’m free to now wear what I want

and do just as I please,

I might sit here in my underpants,

and eat a piece of cheese.

21. Hideout

Logline

A robbery goes disastrously wrong when four gloriously incompetent thieves attempt to rendezvous in a cramped tree house belonging to the 7 year old son of one of the gang members.

20. Cargo

Logline:

A bank robber with chronic amnesia kidnaps a wealthy agoraphobic businessman and his overweight dog and takes them onto a freight train in a vain attempt to escape the law in 1920's America.

19. Mandarin

TONY sits in the pubs sipping a pint of lager. DAVE marches in proudly.

TONY

Hi mate! How's it going?

DAVE

I'm sound pal! You ok? I got that tat done!

TONY

Oh nice one! You plucked up the courage then?!

DAVE

I did pal, it hurt like fuck I'm telling you! It's still sore...

TONY

I can imagine. Let's have a look then!

DAVE

Ok.. two secs

DAVE rolls the sleeve of his t-shirt up revealing a long tattoo containing the letters 我是个娘们

DAVE 

Good eh! Proper Chinese shit mate.

TONY

It looks really good matey, they've done a top job on that. Do you know what it means?

DAVE

Yep. It means 'Like a tiger with wings'! How cool is that? 
I look well buff with that on my guns man!

TONY

Yeah it does look great, honestly. I think the translation might be a little bit out though...

DAVE

What? How would you know? What do you mean it's out?

TONY

Well you remember I did International Business at uni?

DAVE

Yeah... so?

TONY

I also studied Chinese for three years. It was a joint honours degree.

DAVE

Oh. I didn't know that. So what is the translation?

TONY

Well I suppose the most direct translation in English would be.. well er..

DAVE

What?? Come on tell me.

TONY

'I am a wanker'.

18. Apocalypse

The Four Horsemen

The phone rings loudly.

CONQUEST

Hello?

WAR

Hey Conquest, how’s it going buddy?

CONQUEST

I’m just chilling man, just smoking some bud and watchin’ the game

WAR

Good game eh!

CONQUEST

Yeah sure is, anyway, just a quick call dude, I just want to check you’re still on for next Friday?

WAR

Friday…… Friday.. er.. remind me again what we had planned?

CONQUEST

The Apocalypse! We’ve had this pencilled in for bloody ages mate, seriously! I’m sick of this..

WAR

Oh sorry man, I’ve been busy you know recently and Sheila’s had the flu. Also, I had to take Rover to the vet again and-

CONQUEST

Look mate – I’m not being funny, but sometimes I think it’s only me that takes this global destruction shit seriously!

WAR

Oh come on mate, we’re all busy..

 CONQUEST

Busy? You’re always stoned mate. When was the last time you created a world war? I mean come on, seriously..

WAR

It takes time man, give me a break…

CONQUEST

I’m so pissed off. I even got the Mayans to put the 21st in their diary to advertise it, it’s not cheap to advertise for 2000 years you know! At this rate it’s not gonna happen – again!

WAR

I’ll be there mate. Have you spoken to Famine and Death? Oh hold on, I think Death’s taking Sue to Goa for Christmas, he fancied a change of scene this year.

CONQUEST

Forget it then. Bunch of twats… They say you should never work with your mates.

16. Roasting

My old man is incredibly intelligent, in a pragmatic, logical and methodical way. He likes facts, statistics and numbers and engages in a startling amount of research before making any decision. He has worked in property since he was 20.

My mother’s intelligence is diametrically opposed to his, and she had always enjoyed reading, learning languages, writing and finding creative solutions to problems at work. This creative flair is apparent in her cooking, as she produces fantastically colourful and tasty meals.

In the early 90’s my father took a voluntary redundancy from his long term job of 25 years. This allowed him to take a welcome break, renovate the family home and indulge in new hobbies. One of these proposed hobbies was cooking, and as my mother was working full time, it seemed to be beneficial for everyone.

And thus began a bright new era, in which my father would cook the family meal each and every day, to a blissfully enthusiastic and grateful family. The world class cuisine would undoubtedly delight our taste buds, causing sensory overload and keeping us in a state of ecstasy until the final mouthful of the daily three-course extravaganza had been consumed.

My father, being a slightly obsessive and paranoid gentleman, was fearful of getting food poisoning from undercooked food. He is also very old school in his approach, favouring traditional meat, vegetable and potato combinations, without gravy or sauce. Fine, I thought, the meat may be 'well done' as part of a simple arrangement, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be nutritious and delicious, and I kept a clear and open mind.

One the first day of my father’s exciting new cooking career, I entered the kitchen.

“What’s for tea then Dad?” I asked, expectantly.

“Chicken with peas, carrots and boiled potatoes” he replied.

Chicken with peas and carrots! I thought to myself, how exciting! I imagined glazed vegetables, creamy and cheesy mash potato and succulent chicken breast with a white wine and mushroom sauce.

I sat down in anticipation at the table ready to tuck into this mouth-watering plate of heaven, thrilled by the prospect of my father creating exuberant new meals every day.

My father placed the plate in front of me. The chicken looked like a heavily roasted leather boot on a plate, potatoes that had got pissed and beaten up in a bar fight, and vegetables that were so shrivelled they were practically sub-atomic.

Over the subsequent two years my father insisted on cooking every day, but sadly his abilities as a chef remained questionable. I mastered the fine art of smothering and disguising the bland taste with heroic doses of lurpack butter and tomato ketchup.

15. 'Kidnap'


It's mid afternoon,

and it's time for a snooze,

Grandad is sleepy

as he's had a light booze.


The toddler is worn out

from munching his lunch

we're all just so tired -

look at us, what a bunch!


The big dog is dreaming,

with his head on my lap

while the kids have no steam left,

it's time for a nap!

14. Old Brown Boots

Old brown boots
lie there all worn and torn,
battered and bruised,
used and forlorn.

The once taut pristine leather
is now soft and creased
and their once jovial owner,
lies with them, deceased.

13. Engineer

My Grandad passed away in October and I wrote the following eulogy for the funeral:

Ray was a man of simple pleasures. He liked nothing more than smoking his pipe, eating a tasty meal or reading a book. He was a designer, an engineer, a fixer, mender and a tinkerer - always prolonging the life of everything he owned, re-using and recycling at every opportunity. He would find solutions to problems that nobody else would think of, breathing new life over seemingly decrepit and dormant items. This innovative and frugal attitude is perhaps something his generation were the last to own, in stark contrast to the current era of consumerism, borrowing and overspending. 

He could always be found in his garage working on something using his vast array of tools, or fixing his car - in an era when it was still possible to do so. In his working life as a Design Engineer he worked on projects all over the globe, producing almost inconceivable engineering feats. His attention to detail, steady hand and amazing mind made him an asset to the engineering world. I often wonder what he would be doing with that great mind if he had his time now - with all the amazing computer software and other technology we have available to us now. 

 

He was a very fit and active man, always busy doing something and always dressed smartly - he even wore smart shirt and jeans on a hot summers day to mow the lawn! The garden was always pristine, and full of local birds that he and Jean liked to feed as much as possible. He loved all animals and was arguably the Doctor Doolittle of Dronfield - constantly surrounded by birds in the garden, budgies and family dogs.

Ray was incredibly kind and generous and would do anything for his family and friends - nothing was too much trouble. He did everything from offering lifts to helping to build a house for us and everything in between. This generosity and love will never be forgotten by any of us.

12. Play date itinerary for Tom

3pm

Arrive, meet and greet

3.10pm

Tell someone you've done a poo when you haven't, prompting a full inspection from an adult.

3.20pm

Actually do a poo. And a wee.

3.40pm

Pick up some lego, throw it at someone.

4.00pm

Start crying, just because you can

4.15pm

Run around manically, shouting something weird, like "I'm being chased by the rabbit", freaking out all the adults and other children.

4.30pm

Draw something that resembles a rough squiggle and tell everyone it's a drawing of one of the girls in the playgroup.

4.45pm

Draw something that looks suspiciously similar to the previous 'masterpiece' and tell the rest of the group you've drawn a boat.

5.00pm

Forcefully take a Thomas the Tank Engine toy off little Dave, making him cry. Get told off. Start crying too, just because it seems to be fashionable.

5.15pm

Have a little snooze. Why not eh!

5.45pm

Wake up in time for mummy arriving, and then tea!

11. Phantom Horse

INTERVIEWER

Today in the studio we welcome Geoffrey, the phantom horse, formally know as 'Big Geoff'. Geoffrey resides in Brighton, East Sussex. He has been knocking around the city farms being a bit phantom and shit for the last 15 years, following his untimely and tragic death in a gang fight. As one of the most feared horse gangsters in East Sussex he still likes to keep a tight rein on proceedings despite being 100% transparent. He still commands great respect from the local farmyard posse, and still kicks back with his home crew. Like any self respecting invisible entity he initially took the opportunity to engage in covert voyeurism, perving over lady horses in their stables. He firmly states that he is a reformed character, and has been married to a fellow phantom horse, Jane, who we've never seen. 

INTERVIEWER

Hi Geoff, thank you so much for coming today! How are you?

GEOFFREY

Geoffrey

INTERVIEWER

Oh - shit, sorry Geoffrey.

GEOFFREY

No actually, call me Sir.

INTERVIEWER

SIR!?!!?

GEOFFREY

Yes, Sir Geoffrey Bottywinkle II

INTERVIEWER

(nervously)

Er... ok.. Sir Geof-

GEOFFREY

Just messing kid! ha ha your face! What a picture!! 

Oh classic!

GEOFFREY WIPES A TEAR FROM HIS FACE

HA HA HA! Go on kid, fire away

INTERVIEWER

So.. what's it like being a ghost?

GEOFFREY

It's sound bruv! Cheap food bills, I can walk through walls, free entry to clubs, I don't have to pay to use the spa and I hear every conversation! I still run shit in this town - Gangster number one - that's me!

INTERVIEWER

I see, er.. if you don't mind me asking, how come you can speak such perfect English as a horse. Did you go to language school?

GEOFFREY

Well my parents moved over here from France in the 1960's, and French wasn't much use round London I can tell ya! So I guess I just picked it up when I was hanging around with the Krays!

INTERVIEWER

You knew the Krays!? Wow what a story.

GEOFFREY

I'm afraid not.

INTERVIEWER

What? What are you on about?

GEOFFREY

Well, this is hard for me to say....

INTERVIEWER

Go on...

GEOFFREY

Well, the thing is Dave....

INTERVIEWER

Dave?

GEOFFREY

Yes that's your name.

INTERVIEWER

No it's not.

GEOFFREY

It is. As I was saying Dave, you might not remember taking a heroic dose of magic mushrooms 2 hours ago, but I should point out that you're sat on a sofa interviewing an invisible gangster horse.

INTERVIEWER

Oh right, can you make me a cheese sandwich then? 

10. "Love is...."


'Love', amongst other things,

is an anagram of 'Vole'

Is it merely biological trickery,

Or from deep within our soul?



Some people say it's in the air,

Some say it's a losing game

Whilst definitions are subjective,

the core remains the same.

9. Rescue animal

The RSPCA inspector said you could see George's ribs when he found him. Ribs that the next door neighbour had seen being kicked repeatedly by the drunken, knuckle scraping, hillbilly shithead that purportedly looked after George. 'Big Ron' they call him. 

George was incredibly shy and withdrawn when we met him and brought him into our home. He hid behind our sofa for an entire month and would barely come out for food. I had to leave the bowl next to the sofa and leave the room before he would eat and quickly retreat back into his shell. When I tried to stroke him he would cower away from me and whimper in the corner. I'm sure he still sometimes sees the drunken hand of neglect striking him, night after night.

I gradually moved the bowl further and further away from the sofa, enticing George to come out into the room. Eventually, after 4 months he ate his food with me in the room and we started to bond. Now, his black fur shines and he looks like a perfectly healthy labrador. He sits on the sofa and watches TV with us now, and even jumps on our bed in the mornings. I’m so happy George is with us, as he so nearly wasn’t.

8. Lost Ring

Logline:

An 18^th Century diamond encrusted Eternity Ring is found on the surface of the moon during a manned mission in the near future, causing a great mystery to unfold.

7. 'See a penny pick it up'

DAD

If you see a penny you need to pick it up son, always.

SON

Why? It’s just a penny.

DAD

It’s not just a penny. It’s the principal of the matter son.

SON

How do you mean Dad?

DAD

Well ok, let’s put it like this:

Billions of people all over the world spend most of their lives slogging their guts out for their entire adult lives to earn a bit of money so they can live….

SON

Ok…

DAD

We all have to work, and if you’re very very lucky, you might get to do something you enjoy for a living. This, however, only applies to a tiny percentage of the global population.

Bearing that in mind, there is a significant amount of frivolous overspending, excessive borrowing, waste and wretched consumerism in some parts of the world, in stark contrast to the poorest of the poor – people with literally nothing. Aspirational television, ‘celebrity’ worship and distasteful opulence are all plagues on modern society, making those with little or no money and possessions feel perpetually downtrodden and hopeless.  

The poorest in society have to scrimp, save, improvise, recycle, reuse, borrow, and have a generally frugal existence. Every penny counts to them. By walking past free money on the floor and not picking it up you are indirectly doing them a disservice. You owe it to yourself and the struggling masses to pick it up.

SON

Shit, I wish I’d never asked now, I was only being polite!

6. Feast

The chicken is roasting,
 the table is set,
the dog's in his basket
with no people there yet

The white wine is chilling
the red wine is out
and the family are coming
to chat, laugh and shout.

5. Painting

Painting - A true story

My good friend Jason is an artist. A truly amazing artist, and possibly the most talented person I've ever met.  For 15 years he worked as a commercial artist, doing commissions for bars, pubs, restaurants, families and individuals. He produced incredible works of art over the years and built up an impeccable reputation, with legions of extremely satisfied customers. He is a master of technique - painting with acrylics, oils, watercolours and on canvas and murals, and drawing with charcoal, coloured pencils, pastels, markers, crayons and pen and ink on paper, canvas, wood, cardboard, chalkboard, whiteboard, plastic and leather. In fact, he started his career painting album covers onto leather jackets for the punks in the 1980's. He has never had to advertise his services, as his reputation precedes him.

After 15 years he called me and told me he was quitting work as a professional artist. I asked him why and he said it was because he was replicating, copying and recreating someone else's vision for money and it never allowed for his own creative input. Incredibly, the only original piece of work he created is one mind blowing sketch on a sheet of A4 paper. One day, he will return to art, but purely for his own pleasure and not for money. I can't wait to see the results.

Day 4. Waistcoat

'Waistcoat' - A Short Film

Logline

A designer waistcoat provides entertaining narration as we see the London fashion world from its perspective, providing fly-on-the-wall social commentary.

Ok! Day three is........... 'Exercise':

Writing exercises the mind,

Flexes the muscles,

and allows the cathartic expulsion

of all of our inner thoughts.

It’s a process of purging and cleansing our minds onto a page,

which we can then mould, edit and transform into something potentially amazing.

Ok.. here we go!

1. Fresh Starts

Fresh starts,
Clean slates,
New horizons
and open roads
Let's carve our own paths people
and make our own rules!

2. Wish come true

Brief synopsis for a comedy studying the power of positive (and negative) thinking.

'Wish come true' follows two versions of the same person over a 15 year period. Both are physically identical, with very different personalities.

Jack 1 is tall, dark, handsome and fulfilled in his career, running his own business, being his own boss and working hard. Jack 1 has always known he wanted to work for himself and looked for opportunities, accepting that success doesn't happen overnight. He worked a string of low paid jobs in his 20's while he was setting his business up. Despite numerous setbacks he eventually made it, largely due to the fact that he stayed positive, learnt from his experiences, applied tenacity and kept his eye on the goal. He feels spiritually fulfilled, emotionally stable and is married to a beautiful wife.

Jack 2 is also tall, dark, handsome and has always known he didn't want to just make money for someone else. He also worked a string of low paid jobs in his 20's, hating all of them, and partying heavily in his free time. He researched various business opportunities and made a few attempts, but convinced himself that the odds were stacked against him / too competitive / not lucrative enough. Now, at 35, Jack loathes his life and remains stuck working in a contact centre, exuding bitterness. Cynicism and sarcasm literally ooze through his pores. Because of this lack of personal fulfilment, he finds it extremely hard to have a relationship.